So, I guess it's about time for me to really come out the closet.  China for me has been cathartic for me.  It's been a process being strong enough to do what you want to do and be who you wanna be.   But, hey that's life isn't it.

Now , to step out of the closet...Number one, I adore younger men....Always have.  If I recall correctly of the guys I have dated; I have only dated two who were older than me and that was only by months.  Ok, ok... most of you knew that already...no biggie.  Ok I'll come clean... The audience goes quiet....Number two, I like cute men....alright...that's a given. Ok drum roll, please....Number three, I like white men. And the world gasps. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The magnificent feat of stepping out of the closet has just been performed.

Some of you aren't shocked...Probably most of you don't even care.  And guess what, my first instinct is to defend myself, but I'm not going to do that...It's stupid. Because there isn't anything to defend.  But if I could help you understand then I will try to explain. 

The reason why the first instinct is to defend is probably when most people hear this...and believe me I have heard the variations...From black men..."I like white women"...from white men ..."I like black women"...after living in China for 4 1/2 years....from foreign men..."I like Asian women".  But on hearing that, the first thing, can I dare say most people, hear is "I only like such and such".  For some that maybe true. I think that's f*%ked up.  I don't understand how you can not "like" your own "kind" (mooooo, I'm a cow).   We are your sisters and mothers. We are YOU.  You come from us. So, how could you not want us.  

I have always thought that it was a subconscious form of self hate via self mutilation.  Wow!!! Just call me Dr. Apple.  I've learned well from my mentor Dr. Phil and Oprah (of whom I look nothing like) I know it may seem out there, right.  Well, how about short and simple...ok maybe not short...and yeah, probably not simple either. 

Let's say that "You're poor, you're black and you're ugly" (quote from The Color Purple). Well most people internalize that negativity.  You hate your self because you aren't rich, white and beautiful.  Outwardly one thing you can see is the attempt to take on either attributes of the rich, white and /or beautiful" in an attempt to make self valuable, and shed those of the category of the poor, black or ugly, either physically or socially.

And that's where the self-mutilation comes in...the denying of "self". Somethings are naturally fluid and changeable.  If you are poor, you can become rich...If you're ugly, thanks to plastic surgery you can become beautiful. But God forbid, if you're black, what can you do?  Oh, you can get a nose job, white friends, or a white wife.  That'll do it. You'll no longer be black.  The taking on of these attributes can not change the color of your skin nor can it ever rearrange your life experience as "poor, black and ugly".  But assuming the valued characteristics may make you feel better about yourself and gives you a false sense of self. That's the self-mutilation. 

Oh, so you say "but I'm not, as you say Dr. Apple, poor, black and ugly".  No, you're just white and boring.  There have been times that I felt that a white guy was just a starched shirt...stiff....a white wall...lacking decor.  And I had a sense that his attraction to me was purely out of the "exoticness" of my ethnicity that by being with me he would be "less boring". You do know that the best sex you'll ever have is with a black woman? It's like a drug to be taken 3x a week preferably without food but alot of wine. It'll morph you into someone exciting. Those black beauties are always horney and can rough ride all night and they'll sleep with anyone.  You do know that, right?  I thought you should hear that from a sistah.  Whatever...if you really think that, then I'll hit you in the balls.  

I don't know how much any of this really matters, the "why" of attraction.  Sometimes over analyzing can hinder you more than help you. You are what you are. As long as you 're "happy" with your self and it's not damaging to others, what does it really matter why you are attracted to who you are attracted to.