"I Call No Dibbs!!!"

     I have this attraction to a guy I know.  I'll call him "Sir Flirts-a-lot".  You guys know me. My only vice is that I love to flirt (yeah, right).  It's not often that I find someone who can give me a run for my money.   He does (flirt-wise) and it excites me.

     I'll share with you a little epiphany I recently had.  I actually got jealous and it forced me to stop telling the commonly heard lie "Oh, we're just friends."  As for the jealousy thing I'm a firm believer that there's  only jealousy when there is doubt.  If you are sure of the person and/or of your relationship then jealousy can't rear its ugly green head.  My name is April and I am a jealous, possessive and insecure person.  Step 1.  

      I was asked if I had called "dibbs" on him.  You remember when we were  snotty nosed brats and we wanted to sit in the front seat of the car on the way to the mall or to grandma's house, we would call "Dibbs!" This one word assigned not ownership but authority. It's like a delegated power of attorney without the delegating. So, did I call dibbs? No, I did not.  I was left with the slight impression  that I really couldn't get jealous if I hadn't call dibbs and if I did call dibbs then I have to make a move.  Apparently that's written in the Code of Dibbs,  somewhere. 

     I have realized that for whatever reason(s),  I do like this guy.  I can't really say what I like about this guy.  I know that I enjoy the flirting.  But, I can't help but to maybe over-think and question the attraction.  Of course, I know why he's attracted to me. I'm a bombshell...36-28-36 (You guessed it, I fudged on the numbers a bit.)  My attraction for him is the only question that I can maybe try and find an answer to.  He has to answer his own questions.  So what I question is am I really attracted or am I just wanting.  

       However, I do know the answer to the question "Do I know what I want?"   Yes I do. I just don't know if I want it with him.  I would like to be in a loving relationship.  And for me that does not mean a lifetime.  It's good while it's good and it works while it works.  I just want it to be geniune and sweet.  I don't wanna f$%k for f$%k sake.  Over it. Done with it.  So last year. Physically it's little more than masturbating with another person and emotionally it's empty.  So what's the point.  After awhile you cease to get off on it. It's called maturity.  

           So, now I am presented with the choice..."to hit or not to hit, that is a question". (It's much funnier if you know the back story; apparently my Junior 2 students know this play on Shakespeare's quote as " to be or not to be, that is a question."  Not that is THE question.)  Those of the Rebeccas of Sunnybrook farm say "Take a chance. Who knows it could workout."  This is what I call "hoping against hope."  I don't really know what that phrase from the bible is suppose to mean, but when I was younger it always sounded similiar to holding on to your last thread of dignity.

            I am racing toward the stationwagon for the backseat screaming "No Dibbs!!!" (which means that I can't get jealous, right? Riiiiight).   It's not that I don't want him.  That would be a question and answer for another day.  Let's just say the attraction is mutual. I say "So".  So what? I find him attractive and he finds me attractive.  That makes a perfect match doesn't it?  I am not of the mind that just because you find someone appealing physically or otherwise then the coupling has been ordained by heaven on high.  Attraction is a motivator not the determin-"ator" of a relationship.  It persuades you to drop your guard  physically and/or emotionally.  There are so many other factors to consider like timing and the amount of bullshit you can get the other person to believe.  You know, do the two of you fit? Do you see eye to eye on the important stuff? Are you comfortable with one another? Do you like and respect one another?

     I'm as respectfully as possible taking a back seat in this matter. It basically boils down that I am not going to make a move.  I'm not going to (seriously) hit on him, flirt is a car of a different color.  I don't think I can stop cold turkey. I need my weekly fix. I just refuse to make the first move.  If I wanted to just screw him, I would (make the first move).   It comes down to that I am not interested in just screwing.  But I honestly believe that a man has to be mature enough and know what he wants (or possibily wants to explore) thinking maybe he might be "limiting his options" to one woman. I hate to say it because we are in the Era of Women's Lib, aren't we? No, we are in the Aftermath of the Women's Lib.  It sometimes seems that in us making the first move, somewhere a guy's responsibility has been swept under the rug and men are allowed to remain boys.  It used  to be that specific actions meant something and iniated courtship.  With the equality of women every action has a question and the answers are vague.  Does he or does he not want a commitment? Does he or does he not just want to have fun?  A man has to be accountable for making a choice in a relationship.  That way in the future there is no confusion about his actions, it's one of the Tenets of Being a Man.  

          Yeah, I know that my analogy still has me in the car.  My mother would tell me  "Stop right now, young lady. Don't you dare take another step towards that car." But where is the fun in that? I think that on the road I am presently on I see all of these flashing warning signs. I see them,  honestly I do.  I just don't know if the signs read "Turn Back Now, Bridge is Out" or "Precede With Caution". I gotta find my glasses. Where on God's green earth did I put them?